Out of all the games I’ve played, Fallout 4 is the RPG that I find myself returning to every few months. I’ve spent many sad-boy hours pondering, “why?” Why do I come back to Fallout 4, a game rife with buggy weapons, brain-rotting plot holes, and repetitive drudgeries that make calculating the standard deviation of a data set with 50+ terms by hand feel like a vacation in the Bahamas?
After multiple self-assessments, I’ve concluded that no, I’m not a masochist, and my disquieting fixation on Fallout 4 most likely stems from the game’s prioritisation of artistic freedom. After all, how can one resist the tantalising charms of Mildred, the self-proclaimed girlboss from Beverly Hills and Gary, the nationally acclaimed sigma male?
Pyramid Scheme Mildred (Above left) Bike Seat Reincarnate Gary (Above right)
As I have once again succumbed to another cycle of self-abasement that can only be expressed through sitting in front of the TV and hurting my brain, here is Making Assumptions About You Based on Your Favourite Fallout 4 Companion, where I make assumptions about you based on your favourite Fallout 4 Companion. Since I still somewhat value my sanity, no DLC companions are included. (That, and because I’ve never travelled with Old Longfellow and Ada—but Porter Gage slaps, and that’s a fact.)
Preston Garvey
No obligatory settlement meme here.
You have a high moral standard...like, very high.
Sometimes you have trouble understanding sarcasm, but that’s okay! Everyone finds it endearing.
You were a tattletale throughout kindergarten and elementary school.
You probably take excellent notes. Colour-coded and everything.
You have a special affinity for small animals.
Why do I feel like you’re terrified of moths?
You’re either a woman, or you deeply respect women. You can’t be a misogynist and like Preston. There’s just something grotesquely illogical about a misogynistic Preston-lover.
Piper Wright
You’re either a hidden gem perfect for The Sapphire, or you just have a thing for assertive women with strong jawlines. Both are perfectly respectable, by the way.
You maxed out on the Locksmith perk to make her happy.
You'd command her to stand next to you just so she could watch you pick a lock.
During Story of the Century, you told her you were locked up with a thousand carnivorous guinea pigs.
Not an assumption, but there’s just something about Piper holding a cigarette.
You never eat the food she gives you unless you’re at the brink of death and running out of Stimpaks.
Out of curiosity, you removed her cap to see what she looks like underneath and immediately put it back on. Piper looks too much like default Nora without it, and it’s mildly upsetting.
Danse
If you’re in DP/CP, you’re probably taking Business Management.
You do not smile in photos. A little smirk is the best you can do.
While in ArcJet Systems, you hid behind his clanking power amour until all the synths and turrets were eliminated.
You’re either very good at Math, English, or both.
You secretly love calculus.
During Blind Betrayal, you executed him out of morbid curiosity but immediately reloaded a save.
You either love or hate the Buzz Lightyear comparisons. There is no in between.
You don’t understand the point of Snapchat.
Your handwriting is either immaculate or illegible. There is no in between.
Cait
Piper’s fine, but she’s too talkative and jittery for you.
You like girls with soft hearts who look like they can end someone’s life.
You got the Party Girl/Party Boy perk to max her affinity, didn’t you?
And then you were disappointed to find out that Cait’s personal quest cures her chem addiction. All that Jet in your inventory for nothing.
You own a scooter/motorcycle, or plan on buying one in the future.
You ran around naked to max her affinity, didn’t you?
You’re either athletic or artsy.
Nick Valentine
You like those yellow eyes that glow ominously in the dark.
You love the fact that he sounds like every other NPC from Skyrim.
*tips fedora* “M’lady.”
It either took you quite a while to gather all the holotapes for his personal quest due to procrastinating, or you waited until finishing the main game. No way you’re running around Commonwealth police stations scavenging for little yellow rectangles without taking some breaks in between.
You probably like Maths or English.
You know at least 3 Elton John songs.
Hancock
Ah yes, a man of culture.
You are socially progressive and fiscally conservative.
You are a visual learner.
You got the Party Girl/Party Boy perk to max his affinity, didn’t you?
You became a chem addict to max his affinity, didn’t you?
You romanced Preston Garvey as a joke, but felt nauseous after he started calling you “babe”.
You shot Preston Garvey just to see if he’s killable. After realising he’s an essential character, you shot him again. And again. You eventually used a fatman.
You have airdropped, or have considered airdropping cursed images to random people.
You love assaultrons...go figure. You also think the Gunners should be a playable faction.
Deacon
You were “The Neighbour’s Kid ™”.
You got discord?
You also romanced Preston Garvey as a joke, but stuck around even after he started calling you “babe”. Still hate him though.
Your voice is effortlessly stentorian.
You think Megan Thee Stallion’s music slaps.
You removed his sunglasses out of curiosity and put them back on immediately. Something about it just felt so sacrilegious.
You use Discord, Reddit, or both.
You probably interrupt people’s conversations to show them a meme.
You joined The Railroad for The Deliverer and the supplies in the HQ. I mean, didn’t we all?
Curie
AH YES, A MAN OF CULTURE.
You saw her as another Codsworth until she transferred to a synth body.
Hence, your affection for her went from 0-100 real quick.
You couldn’t figure out what she liked other than administering Stimpaks and being exceptionally kind, so you went to the Fallout 4 wiki to figure out her likes and dislikes. After that, you’d refer to the article every five seconds just to make sure you did everything right.
You will reload a save if you see “Curie disliked that.”
You felt like a better person and productive member of society after maxing her affinity.
You wouldn’t like her as much if not for her accent.
You changed her dirty flannel as soon as possible, didn’t you?
Dogmeat
You either really like dogs, or you like making questionable choices without consequences...you know, such as pressuring children, letting a child breathn’t, and promising to look for a child’s lost cat, shooting the cat, then dropping the flesh of said cat on the child’s desk in the middle of class.
You either gave him a skull bandana, chained collar, or dog armour. I know. They look so sick.
You appreciate how he’s stronger and more competent than the human companions, and use him as a meat shield.
You really want someone to love you no matter what. (Is everything okay?)
That, or you just hate people.
X6-88
You harbour a visceral hatred towards Preston Garvey.
If you like X6, your favourite Detroit: Become Human route is probably machine Connor.
At some point in the game, your character wore a Courser uniform.
You’re pretty cool, diggity dawg.
Are you a straight-A student?
You removed his sunglasses out of curiosity and put them back on immediately. Something about his eyes reminded you of a perpetually disappointed parent.
Strong
?????????
You like Shrek?
On multiple occasions, you mistook him as a super mutant enemy and wasted ammo on him.
“Why won’t he die?? Oh. Oh.”
You feel like one of the biggest perks from travelling with him is being able to restore HP by snacking on corpses without disappointing anyone.
After maxing his affinity, you were morbidly curious about whether he was a romanceable companion.
You still don’t know what “the milk of human kindness” means.
Are you, perhaps, just a little more interested in Shakespeare?
Codsworth
One of the reasons you like him is because he gives you purified water.
Codsworth + stealth playthrough = barely needing any Stimpaks.
You gave him a top hat.
If you have the Automaton DLC, you gave him those long, toned assaultron legs for the extra-disturbing look. You either stuck with it, or modified him into something else because you value your sanity.
You are a very kind person.
Profanities are not a component of your vernacular.
So there you have it—I have made assumptions about you based on your favourite Fallout 4 companion. And yes, I will keep playing and creating sigma male Nates until the newest Fallout game comes out, because we all know how Fallout 76 turned out.
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